This is easily the funniest/ saddest thing that has happened in Little Havana in a long time.
The other night I came home to a swarm of police cars surrounding the office building directly next to our apartment complex. My grandmother told me that she and all the other residents were advised to stay in their homes and that there was a hunt for a “potentially high-level dangerous criminal.” Scary, right?
This is actually what happened.
Our neighbor, Irina, was doing some spring cleaning in her tiny one-room studio yesterday afternoon, and decided her old red plastic briefcase was a useless eyesore sitting on top of her TV wall unit. Having little storage space in her small home, she wasn’t sure what she was going to do with it, so she put it out on her back steps near the back alleyway and set about finishing her spring cleaning.
This is not the nicest part of Little Havana, though, so within the hour someone had stolen it. It’s kind of heavy because it’s one of those old, lined, hard-back little suitcases and I guess the person wanted to see if there was anything valuable in it. It was empty though, so the thief wandered off and left it on the doorstep of the dental office next door and took off.
The people at the dental office were very alarmed to find a mysterious briefcase sitting on their front doorstep – RED, no less – clearly left there deliberately. They decided the safe and logical thing to do was to call the police. Right.
Fast forward half an hour, and there are about half a dozen police officers standing around peering with trepidation at the red briefcase, trying to decipher its mysteries. Around this time, Irina discovers someone stole her red briefcase. Oh, well, she figured. She was probably going to throw it out, anyway.
The police decide not to open the suitcase, as one has tried nudging it with his toe and found it “suspiciously heavy.” After another half an hour of deliberation, they decide to question any locals who are nosy enough to come out of the surrounding apartment buildings and start questioning them to see what they know. This is Little Havana, my people are nosy and not shy, so that equals at least 2 dozen people.
The police decide the safe and logical thing is to call in a bomb squad.
Around the time that the bomb squad arrives, Irina decides to take out the trash and notices the huge commotion in the office building next door. Asking one of the rubberneckers, a fellow neighbor (nosy and not shy, have I mentioned?), she is horrified to learn that all this is over her lost red briefcase. The neighbor advises her not to identify it as hers to the police, because she’s a recent immigrant (age 63) and they could brand her as a terrorist and take her in for questioning. Irina just about dies from mortification, but decides to identify herself anyway and tells the police that the suitcase belongs to her, explaining that it was stolen that morning and really, they can just give it back to her and go home.
The bomb squad declines, pointing to the fact that it’s been missing several hours, enough time for a terrorist to have put a bomb in it.
Three hours later, the approximate 30-40 law enforcement officials finally mustered up the courage to crack the suitcase open. Finding no immediate threat to national security, they handed the briefcase back to its rightful, and rightfully irritated, owner.
So. Anyone need a little red briefcase?